Change. Change is a word that can evoke many different emotions, sometimes all at once. I’ve lived my life with constant change, never living in one place for that long, never at the same place or doing the same job. I get change.
But that doesn’t mean it’s easy. Change means new beginnings and growth. But new beginnings always mean something has to end, and growth means growing pains. No matter how excited I am about new beginnings – and I LOVE new beginnings – it doesn’t exempt me from being sad about whatever is ending or feeling the pain of pushing myself in a new direction.
I just had a change in my relationship status. He chose to end it, but I knew it was the right thing. I had almost ended it a few times myself but talked myself out of it. Why do we do that? Why do we avoid the hard things? The things that cause us pain, even when we know it’s the right thing to do?
Regardless of how right it was, it still hurts. And the fact that he ended it means it also comes with self-doubt. What did I do wrong? What should I have done differently? Am I too ugly? Am I too fat? All the stupid insecurities come rushing to the front. Most of these are silly, inconsequential things, but they are always lurking.
The truth is, we were only meant to be together for the short term, and neither of us was ready to let go right away. I don’t regret it. I care about him a great deal, and I enjoyed being with him. I learned so much about myself and about being in a relationship and about long-distance relationships and about commitment and about the importance of honest communication and the importance of having similar long-term goals.
But I hate that I didn’t listen to my gut.
And I hate how it ended.
He’s already met someone new which makes it harder, especially for my pride. It also makes my heart hurt and my stomach churn, and I kind of want to punch him in the face. But it’s okay. I won’t punch him. And, in the long run, it will all be for the best since, in the long run, we would have made each other miserable.
And, the good news is, I do have a new beginning – and I am excited about moving forward.
Of course, I still have to figure out exactly where I’m moving to, but that’s all part of the
growing pains fun!